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By Gena Pitts and Kim Moore, MSW LCCT
Marriage by itself is perfectly flawless. It has no problems of its own.
But as soon as couples unite, marriage exposes the imperfections, flaws and problems within us.
If you are experiencing problems in your marriage, more than likely, YOU are the problem!
More than likely, you are not convinced these problems are yours, according to Kim Moore, Co-Author of, Your Spouse Is Not Your Problem.
And even if you had some flaws or imperfections, especially in light of your spouse’s, they are only “minor”, right?
Wrong.
Everybody Has Problems.
Problems are indications that growth is needed, and only growth can come by problems or challenges and change.
According to Kim, a problem is anything that challenges you or your way of thinking or doing something. And it’s a major problem when challenges come from your spouse.
Sometimes these challenges ultimately can’t be resolved, for many reasons including pride, narcissism, and immaturity, and these characteristics can ultimately lead to divorce.
God said that it was not good for man to be alone. And, in the book of Genesis 18:2, God said of Adam, “I will make him a helper comparable to him.”
So God makes man “a helper” appropriate to his need, so that man can become all that God intends for him (or her) to become successful.
In order to become successful, you have to “grow”.
Because God instilled the need to mature in us, humans will be confronted with problems to solve in order to grow.
We get married to experience the joy of love, and solve the problem of loneliness, and develop into the maturity of sharing and caring for another.
Dating compounds the problem of seeing “our self.”
When we date, we are attracted to each other’s strengths, and how well these strengths meet our needs. It feels “really good” when our deepest needs are met.
Our strengths are our “mind muscles”, developed in the gymnasium of adversity, and skills we have developed to use to negotiate relationships.
Similar to being a pro athlete or a coach, our skills are what we learn to do – they are not who we are.
Our strengths also effectively disguise who we really are and our needs. Marriage is more concerned with who we are, rather than what we do.
We date each other’s strengths, but we marry each other’s weaknesses.
Challenges, especially recurring ones, expose our weaknesses and our need to mature.
When we date, we touch each other’s wants. When we marry we touch each other’s wounds. Wounds indicate a need for healing and growth.
Dating is pleasurable.
Marriage is painful – at least temporarily until we mature and learn how to love unselfishly, and then it’s a gift from heaven.
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